


Exhale

by scribblesandsmears



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Coming Out, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Female Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-01-05 23:41:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18376487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scribblesandsmears/pseuds/scribblesandsmears
Summary: Amanda Rollins knows who she is and what she's about; and so does everyone else. But is there something more?





	1. Chapter One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is about to be Amanda's coming out story. In this AU (I guess you could call it that?), Amanda has no kids. Nothing wrong with them, I'm just taking homegirl in a different direction. This is also NOT a Rollisi fic this is literally just the beginning. Thanks for reading!

Detective Amanda Rollins. Special Victims Unit. NYPD. Loganville bred. Forensic science degree. Sister. Daughter. Gambler. Survivor.

Amanda’s box of labels keeps her secure. Everyone can see her in her boxes and that’s just the way it is.

 

Her chest is tight and heavy, but she checks her buttons and they’re inches away from her skin. She ignores the familiar feeling and tightens her ponytail, heading for her coat and shoes.

A wet lick on her hand tells her Frannie has come to say goodbye. Or convince her she’s too cute to be left alone all day.

“You be good today. I’ll be back later,” she coos as she rubs her dogs head, placing a kiss on her wet nose.

And with that, she is out the door, desperate for some caffeine.

 

Monday morning means long lines for coffee. Amanda likes to stop at a local coffee cart close to the precinct when she’s running a little late. This line of zombies will probably push her even further behind schedule, though. She swears someone hit a slow motion button.

When her phone buzzes, she’s sure she’s late now. It’s a text from her partner, Fin, letting her know what she was already aware of. But she knows Fin will cover for her with Liv, their boss. Liv is tough and Amanda really admires her and values their relationship. But she’s still scared shitless of the lecture that always follows, “My office. Now.” Amanda has heard that one countless times.

Reaching the front of the line, she wonders if this coffee is necessary, or even a good idea, given the jitters that have slowly erupted in her over the course of the morning. Ultimately, she says screw it and gives the man her order.

 

Head down and power walking into the precinct. That seemed like the way to slip in unnoticed. But the sound of Liv’s voice says otherwise.

“Nice of you to join us, Rollins.”

Amanda peaks up to see Olivia Benson looking from her to her steaming hot coffee that just screams her reasons for being late. Liv smiles, letting her know she’s off the hook, but raises her eyebrows as if to say, “Let’s not let this happen again.” Amanda gives a small, but grateful, smile in return

Settling in her chair and sipping her coffee, she feels a pair of eyes on her. She’s not surprised when she glances up to see Carisi’s somewhat glazed eyes peering at her from his own desk. He sends a smile her way.

“Morning, ‘Manda,” he greets. “Rough morning?”

Amanda rolls her eyes.

“Yeah, for everyone else in line.” She raises her styrofoam cup to this.

Carisi lets out an amused exhale from his nose.

She looks back at her desk and all it’s bearings, praying to god he would stop giving her puppy eyes. It feels like she’s back at home with Frannie.

Liv interrupts her pleading thoughts with Fin at her side, ready to give a rundown of where they’re at with the case. Amanda shakes her morning off and gives her boss and her job her undivided attention, still aware of the glances coming her way from the desk across from her.

 

“I’m heading home,” Amanda calls to her co-workers. “It’s late and Frannie probably already ruined my new carpet.”

“Yeah, I hear you,” Olivia laughed. “Just last week, Noah threw up on my shag rug. Needless to say, we are currently rug-less.”

Fin and Carisi snorted. Amanda chuckled, appreciative of the comparison drawn between her dog, Frannie, and Liv’s son, Noah. Her mother used to ask why she couldn’t just find a man and give her a grandbaby already. But Frannie _is_ her baby. Her fur baby.

Amanda made her way through the doors, but not before she heard footsteps racing to catch up with her own. Then there was the perpetual Staten Island accent following.

“Hey, Rollins, wait up.”

She turned to see Carisi jogging up behind her.

“What’s the rush, Sonny?” she teased. “Hot date tonight?”

Sonny laughed.

“Yeah, with my leftover pasta and a cold beer.”

Amanda laughed and they fell in stride, exiting the precinct. She knew he was joking, but she could get the sense he was letting her in on his lack of plans for a reason. She tossed the idea around in her head before deciding. They both had a long day on the job, producing less than perfect leads on the case. They could both use the company tonight.

“Well, I’ve got a couple beers in the fridge at home,” she let it hang in the air for a moment before adding, “And I’m not gonna drink them all myself.”

Sonny smiled, probably a little too wide for the subtle invitation.

“Great, I’ll tend to your little dog urine situation while you crack them open.”

“You got yourself a deal, Sonny.”

 

Empty beer bottles decorated the coffee table in front of them, complete with a pizza box centerpiece, empty, apart from the hardened cheese clinging to the parchment paper. Frannie snored in the corner, only slightly louder than the trashy drama on TV that Amanda and Sonny were only halfheartedly paying attention to. Amanda’s mind bounced from work and the case to her beer count of the night to the towel soaking up the large pee stain on the rug to the cheating scandal the unknown characters are dealing with on TV to the man beside her and the warm energy radiating off of him.

She shifted in her spot on the couch, aware of his eyes on her as she does so. Sonny scoots closer, but only enough to hint at his ideas, not enough to be alarmingly forward. Reluctantly, Amanda looks sideways at him. She caught his eye and he immediately tried to play it off, looking abruptly at the TV with his brows furrowed, like he’s super into the debacle playing out.

Before she even knew what she was doing, Amanda edged her hand toward his, which was conveniently set between them. She internally rolled her eyes at this move, but continued her pursuit. When her hand grazed his, his head snapped toward her. This time he didn’t remove his gaze. His hand simply met hers. His eyes shifted, predictably, from her eyes to her lips and back again. The two of them leaned in and their lips met in the middle. Without disturbing the hand touching hers, he places his other hand on her cheek and deepens the kiss a little.

Amanda moves her lips with his, enjoying the human contact. The kiss lasts for minutes, gaining intensity as time went on. It was only when her mind returned to the odd feeling in her chest, which took the back burner throughout the day, did her movements stutter. She tried to continue, but Sonny, ever so in tune, broke the kiss.

“You okay?” He searched her eyes for an answer, his hand remaining her face. “Did I do something?”

Amanda quickly waved this off, feeling guilty when she saw the concerned crease between his eyebrows.

“No, no, you’re fine. I think I’m just kind of tired.” Her eyes trailed off, giving him time to catch her drift.

“Right, right. Me too.” He cleared his throat and put the space back between them. “I should really get going anyway.”

Amanda nodded, the tightening in her chest dominating her breathing and speaking. She didn’t want to give Sonny any indication that something was wrong because she knew he would immediately drop everything to be there for her and she couldn’t handle that right now. Besides, nothing _was_ wrong.

Sonny slipped his long arms into his coat sleeves and reminded Amanda to spray the pee stain with the vinegar concoction he informed her of earlier. With that and a promise of seeing her bright and early tomorrow, he left. Leaving Amanda alone with the smell of pee entering her nostrils with every shallow breath.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A case pertaining to the story is discussed here. Briefly mentioning assault, but no details are given, just general info on the case itself. Just a little warning, even though this does not get graphic or explicit.

It had been a few days since Amanda’s hook up with Sonny. The energy between them shifted slightly in a certain direction, but she felt sort of indifferent about it. He didn’t leave her with a bad taste in her mouth, so to speak, but she wasn’t exactly lusting after him in all his long-legged glory. The truth is, she didn’t know _how_ to feel.

Not that she has the time or mental capacity to really sit and decipher the nature of this relationship. Despite having very little to go on in their most recent case, everything seemed to come to a head in the end and the unit closed it consequently. Since then, another case had emerged and they were knee deep in investigations. Multiple women assaulted over the course of a couple weeks, all left in critical condition, none of them conscious at the moment. They all had similar M.O., but the detectives needed to connect the dots between all the victims, who didn’t seem to interlace with one another at all.

Amanda was in pursuit of the social media pages of the women, keen on finding something to at least blur the lines between these dissimilar people. Facebook seemed to contain very little information, seeing as they weren’t soccer moms sharing every detail about their children alongside minion memes about wine and Pinterest recipes for hard to please husbands. Their Facebooks seemed to hold posts you put up to appease your family; wholesome selfies for your aunt to show off to her friends, group photos so they know you get out, and the occasional funny animal videos shared so they feel connected to you. If Amanda wanted something personal, she figured she’d find it on another platform.

Just as she was about to dig into a slightly more difficult search of Instagram, a hand came into view on her desk. She followed it up the arm of Sonny, who was leaning over her desk and peering at her computer screen.

“Checking the ‘gram at work, Rollins?” he joked.

She rolled her eyes playfully.

“There has to be something linking these women,” she gestured at the names listed in front of her. “I mean _four_ assaults, all the same to a T? That’s no coincidence.”

Carisi nodded.

“These women were sought out,” he agreed. “But they all have different looks, jobs, backgrounds…”

“Yeah, that’s why I’m searching the entirety of their online presence. There’s gotta be something.”

“Well, if you want, we could brainstorm over lunch,” he shrugged. “You hungry?”

Amanda hesitated. This case was top priority right now. The perp didn’t have a specific timing pattern to his attacks, but they were almost certain he’d strike again. And it was frustrating her to no end the connection the women seemed to lack.

Her stomach rumbled as she considered. Maybe she could use some food and consulting.

“Alright, but you’re buying this time.”

Sonny’s smile widened, but part of her wished it hadn’t.

 

A half hour later, Amanda and Sonny were walking back to the precinct from the deli he bought sandwiches at. Discussing the case did ease her mind a little, but without any solid leads to go on, she wouldn’t feel settled.

Sonny, hands in his coat pockets, kept slowly, and almost discreetly, closing the space between them as they walked on. Amanda pretended not to notice for awhile. Then something came over her and she reached her hand up to link into the crease of his elbow, leaning into him a little. He glanced down at her and smiled, then continued to look forward as he walked. The way he looked at her, though, gave her stomach a strange jolt. It almost felt like guilt. Because he looked at her adoringly and she only guessed she felt similarly. But this was what she was supposed to be doing, right?

 

Back at the precinct, she couldn’t find many matches between the Instagram pages, other than following a few of the same celebrities, but she doubted Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara were the knots tying these women together. Twitter had scarce information and she was starting to run out of popular platforms. She was about to take to Foursquare when Fin called something out.

“I got something,” he motioned for everyone to gather around his screen. “I ran the names through some online dating services and got a hit on one site. Get this, it’s a lesbian dating app.”

They all raised their eyebrows.

“Any chance they knew each other?” Liv questioned. “The queer women community tends to be pretty tight knit.”

“Can’t tell from my end, but I got the address for the headquarters,” Fin stated. “They’re based in Manhattan.”

“Great. Rollins, Carisi,” she beckoned to the pair, handing them the address Fin had just scribbled down. “Head down there and see what you can find.”

The two of them nodded and proceeded to the elevators, coats in hand.

Once the elevator doors slid shut, they started to discuss.

“So they’re all gay,” Carisi began. “If they knew each other, why wouldn’t they be Facebook friends and stuff?”

Amanda shrugged.

“Maybe they’re not all the way out of the closet. Maybe they don’t wanna risk outing themselves,” she paused, considering the possibilities. “Maybe that’s what we’re dealing with.”

Carisi raised a questioning brow, urging her to continue.

“Okay, look,” Amanda started. “What if they were all living this life in secret? Scared that someone, the wrong person, would find out? Maybe this was retaliation. We could be dealing with a hate crime here.”

Sonny and her mulled over this possibility, among others, the rest of the way over there.

 

The dating service provided little information, but it was much more than they got questioning the victims families and friends. They had only had light interaction with one another on the site. But the app has some aspects similar to social media sites. You’re able to check in at certain locations. Each of the women had checked in, on multiple occasions, at a queer bar nearby. The times didn’t necessarily match up, but at least this place put some overlap between the four of them.

When they returned with this refreshing bit of evidence, Lieutenant Benson started connecting dots.

“None of the attacks went down at the same place. But,” she drew a circle around the bars location on the map pinned to the board. “They all took place within the radius of the bar.”

“So it’s safe to assume these women were on their way home from the bar,” Fin said. “Maybe they were followed out.”

“Or maybe someone was waiting for them,” Carisi suggested.

“Whatever the case may be, we need to head down there and start canvasing,” Liv stated.

“I don’t know, Lieu,” Carisi interjected. “It seems pretty underground, seeing as these women aren’t exactly out. They might be pretty weary of police poking around their safe space.”

“Well, their safe space isn’t looking so safe right now,” Fin pointed out.

“True, but Carisi’s right,” Liv thought for a minute. “Okay, we send someone undercover to get some intel. Low profile, nothing to set anyone off.”

“Well, it’s gotta be either you or Rollins,” Carisi said. “Unless we send some UC in.”

Liv turned to Amanda questioningly.

“I could give it a shot,” Amanda shrugged.

“Great,” Liv nodded. “Tomorrow night. You go in and get a feel for the place. We’ll set up outside and around the area.”

Amanda nodded in agreement and turned to get her desk in order before leaving for the night.

 

Back at her apartment, Amanda locked her door behind her and sighed. She felt heavy, particularly in her chest. She couldn’t stop thinking about these women and this hidden part of their lives. It was unfathomable to her. She may not be an open book, but she was fairly certain everyone had a decent picture of her. Just the thought of having this part of herself hidden away made it difficult to breathe. She’d been having trouble with that a lot, actually.

She tended to Frannie and later retired to the couch, mentally preparing herself for tomorrows tasks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before I get called out, I am aware Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara do not have instagrams. Please just let me dream!!!


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amanda goes undercover at a gay bar, take one.

Amanda’s nerves had been bubbling inside her all day, threatening to spill out. She managed to keep her cool in front of the squad for the majority of the day. That is, until it came to put on her black dress and head out to the club. Her arms were folded across her chest as she sat and bounced her leg up and down repeatedly, chewing on her nails as well. Carisi noticed and came over to lean on her desk.

“Hey,” he nudged her bouncing leg with his long one. “You alright?”

“Mhm,” she nodded passively; her voice wasn’t something she could trust right now.

“We’ll all be right outside,” Sonny attempted to coax her into calming down. “Surrounding the place. You’ll wear a wire-“

“Yeah, I’ve been undercover before.” Amanda interrupted. “I’ll be fine, I can handle it.”

She didn’t mean for it to come off so snippy and defensive so she offered a smile. Sonny seemed taken aback, but he knew she didn’t mean to. She wasn’t even sure what she was so on edge about. It’s not like she’s never done this before. I mean, not the gay bar part, but what’s the difference?

Lieutenant Benson broke her train her thought when she entered the room.

“Rollins,” she called. “You good to go?”

Amanda nodded and stood up to put on her coat. Her, Olivia, Fin, and Carisi headed out to the elevators to begin the night.

 

Once at the club, Amanda was reminded of all their locations outside, as well as the other officers they had stationed nearby. She got out of the car a couple blocks away from the bar to avoid suspicion. Her legs shivered under the cool breeze of the night as she walked on to her destination.

She took a deep breath when she approached the door and released it as it swung open and she was met with an interesting sight. Cool was the word that came to mind. Strings of Edison lights dangled in rows across the ceiling, beautiful paintings hung on every wall. The atmosphere was so striking to her. Not to mention the women. There were so many of them. More than Amanda had ever seen in one room, probably.

After recovering from her dumbstruck state, she tried to casually make her way to a barstool. She brushed past women, politely excusing herself as she went. The sweet smell of various different perfumes wafted through the air and into her nose. This was nice. Her nerves were taken down just a notch once the warmth of the room took hold of her.

Amanda waved over the bartender once she sat down.

“Can I get a beer, please?”

“Sure thing, hon,” said the older woman sweetly. It felt almost maternal and it warmed Amanda even more.

Once she started nursing her beer bottle, she began to feel comfortable enough to glance around and scope out the place. Women in an array of attire, from dresses to suits. Women bouncing to the steady thump of music. Women standing alone as wallflowers. Women sitting so close to one another, their breaths were one. Women touching and kissing under the dimness of the room.

The buzz of her phone broke her gaze over the room. A text from Carisi making sure everything was alright. She sent a reassuring one back and continued her beer sipping once more. Not long after slipping her phone back into her purse did she feel the barstool shift next to her.

“Waiting for somebody?” asked a voice to her right.

Amanda turned her head to see a woman facing her in a plum suit, shoulders blanketed in a chestnut flow of hair, warm brown eyes on her blue ones.

Amanda opened her mouth to respond, but came up empty.

“You just look a little nervous,” said the woman, eyes raking over Amanda smoothly. “Like your date just texted you they’re on their way.”

“Oh, no that was- that was-” she faltered, stumbling over this unexpected interaction so soon into the night. Taking a breath to collect herself, she concluded, “I’m here alone.”

Brown eyes nodded understandingly.

“First time here?”

Deciding to play into this, Amanda nodded sheepishly.

“That obvious?” She took a sip from her beer.

“Only a little,” the woman said. “Plus, I’ve never seen you here before.”

“You come here often?” Amanda asked casually, then immediately cringing at how much it sounded like some awful pickup line. Luckily, the woman laughed.

“I do _occasionally_ frequent this bar,” she waved down the bartender. “The usual, Sandy.”

Amanda giggled at this. _Giggled?_ Maybe she should slow down on that beer.

“Chelsea,” she stuck out her hand, which Amanda took, immediately taking notice of the softness.

“Amanda,” she replied with a smile, holding her gaze and her handshake for a few seconds too long. She cleared her throat and retracted her hand politely, breaking the strange tension between them.

“So, you’ve been here before?” she asked, half joking, half hoping to start up a conversation she could work case questions into.

“Yeah, I stop in a couple times a week. It’s the most low-key queer lady joint around that I’m aware of,” Chelsea paused to take her glass of red wine from Sandy, the bartender. “I’m pretty used to picking out the fresh faces, like yours. We get a lot of questioning girls and baby gays in here because of the discreetness.”

Chelsea took a sip of her red wine and Amanda couldn’t help but rest her eyes on the way her soft looking lips formed around the glass and the smooth nature of her sipping. Chelsea peered sideways and spotted her gander. She smirked as she swallowed her drink.

“So,” she started, with just a hint of flirtatiousness. “Enough about me and my bar habits. What brings you here, Miss Amanda?”

Amanda went to start, but the sudden warmth and smoothness of touch on the top of her knee below the hem of her dress made her words catch in her throat. She glanced down at Chelsea’s hand resting on her right knee delicately. She’d had this move played on her before at tons of bars, but it was usually rough hands connected to a beefy guy drunkenly attempting (and sometimes succeeding) to take her home. Most of the time this move fills her with dread and reluctance, although occasionally giving in to the uneasiness, as she too had this human need for sex and interaction. But this hand felt different. It didn’t feel like a play. It didn’t fill her with the uneasiness that she came to know as normal. Somehow this slight touch filled her with something she could only identify as the cliche feeling described as “butterflies.” She ignored this weirdness and continued the conversation.

“A friend recommended it,” she answered steadily, keeping the jitters out of her voice. “She said she heard about it on some app.”

Chelsea nodded, like this was commonly heard.

“Yeah, a lot of word of mouth around here.” Another sip of her wine, left hand still comfortably in place on Amanda’s knee. “Can’t be too careful. The only internet presence this place has is on community apps.”

Chelsea’s striking confidence faltered for the first time this evening. She took a grim expression and lost eye contact for a moment before adding, “But then again, careful doesn’t seem to matter lately.”

Amanda guessed immediately what she referring to.

“My friend mentioned something about that,” she said in a low voice, matching Chelsea’s tone.

Chelsea’s eyes flitted to Amanda’s for a second before she took another sip and continued, shaking her head.

“Twenty-nineteen. We are still putting up with this shit,” she finished off her glass with a mixture of anger, sadness, and possibly fear.

Amanda hesitated before gently asking, “Do you know any of them?”

Chelsea closed her eyes and nodded.

“We’re pretty tight knit around here,” she said, mirroring what Amanda remembered Liv telling the squad the day before. “They’re regulars, like me. We only ever meet here. Like I said, you can never be too careful.”

“Do you know what happened?” Amanda pressed on.

“Well, we can all assume what motivated it,” she said. “The news may not be reporting it as such, but we all know why some of us aren’t making it home at night.”

“But why-” Amanda started, but then bit her tongue.

“Why what?” Chelsea looked at her curiously, detaching her hand from Amanda at last to signal to Sandy she was ready for another glass.

Amanda bit her lip, still trying to find her place as the “baby-gay-new-to-the-bar-scene” role.

“Why do you keep coming here? Why does everyone keep coming here?” she questioned, even though she’s never been one to back down from a fight herself. “Isn’t it risky?”

Chelsea gave her a knowing look, like she knew the obvious answer to someone like her would be to just stop going out.

“The closet is a lonely place to be,” was all she said it response.

This statement hung in the air for minutes, stretching between them with the tension and flirtatious energy of the night. Amanda let the words sink into her, not daring to speak and spoil the profoundness of what Chelsea just said. The tightness in her chest found it’s way through the warmth that resided there upon entering the bar. She took another sip of her beer and did what she does best in response to this pain in her upper body. She ignored it.

As the minutes floated by, they sat in comfortable silence drinking and occasionally stealing glances at one another. Amanda found herself on a thought train, starting with the evening at hand and Chelsea and her cool wine sipping and somehow ending with her remembering her squad parked a few blocks down, listening in on the wire inside of her dress. A sudden wave of self-consciousness washed over her. Before she could decide what her next move was, Chelsea took one final sip of her wine and stood up beside her. Amanda’s eyes followed her movements.

“Well, I’m gonna hit the ladies room before I head home for the night,” she said upon standing. Amanda inwardly chuckled at her used of “ladies room” in a bar filled with women. “It was _very_ nice meeting you, Amanda.”

Amanda blushed. She couldn’t pinpoint why, but her name rolling off of Chelsea’s tongue gave her a slight shiver. She had no time to mull this over though because Chelsea then took her hand and kissed it with a softness that made her mind go blank. All she could do was nod and smile back. Chelsea returned the smile and with that, she was gone.

In the following 30 seconds or so, Amanda took down the remainder of her beer, paid the sweet bartender, Sandy, and took off to her squad.

 

She rode with Sonny while they conferred on speaker phone with Liv and Fin. Little had been revealed from this undercover operation, but it confirmed some of their suspicions. They all agreed it was a good start and it would be best to keep sending Amanda back to investigate.

After they hung up, Amanda stayed mostly quiet en route to her apartment. Sonny threw sideways glances at her the whole way there.

“Hey,” he finally said. “You okay?”

He reached over and placed his hand on her left knee, rubbing his thumb in slight movements, in an attempt to put her at ease. From what, he didn’t know.

His hand on her knee gave her a jolt, remembering Chelsea’s hand on the opposite knee just minutes earlier. It didn’t even feel like the same lifetime, let alone the same night.

“What?” she asked, turning to him as if she just noticed he spoke.

“Are you okay?” he repeated kindly, making eye contact before returning his eyes to the busy streets. “You just seem a little quiet.”

“Just tired,” she gave him a reassuring smile, again trying to convince him that nothing was wrong. Because, again, nothing _was_ wrong.

He nodded and they continued the mostly silent drive while she stared out the window in a complete daze. By the time they approached her apartment building, Amanda almost forgot they were in the car together.

“Well,” said Sonny, smiling and turning to her. “Tell Frannie I said hi.”

Amanda laughed and so did he, glad to break her out of whatever trance she was in.

“Yeah, sure,” she said. “I’ll have her call you.”

With that lighthearted remark, she squeezed his hand goodnight and exited the car.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amanda goes undercover at a gay bar, take two.

By the time the opportunity rolled around for Amanda to take another crack at the gay bar, she found herself excited. This caught her off guard. She loves her job and is damn proud of her work ethic, but she has never been actively anticipating a UC assignment. In fact, in the days leading up to the next night out, she spent copious amounts of downtime picking out an outfit. Did it matter? She was there for answers, not a fashion show. But still, despite this inner conflict of hers, she continued her internal planning of the evening. Is this how other women fantasize about their weddings?

No new leads had surfaced in the time since her last visit to the bar, much to their dismay. She hated herself for thinking this at least gave her a chance to return to the bar she was so drawn to.

Another thing (or person) on Amanda’s mind was Chelsea. She wondered whether she would see her again at the bar. She also wondered if she would be with someone else at the bar, a date perhaps. Then she wondered why she was wondering any of this at all.

 

Days and days of research and canvasing and patrolling all finally come to a head as Amanda prepares, yet again, to go undercover. The jitters have set in again, but they have more of a spark to them this time around. She’s not biting her nails or bouncing her leg, but fixing her dress and pacing the squad room, desperate for the warm atmosphere of the bar.

“Rollins,” Olivia started as she exited her office. “Now that you’ve got a feel for the place, try to branch out and talk to a few more women.”

“Got it,” Amanda nodded.

“And remember to keep an eye on the door. Any suspicious men or anyone lingering, we’ll be on the scene immediately.”

One last call to the squad and they were all headed to the elevator once again.

 

Amanda couldn’t help but smile as she reentered the bar. The warmth enveloped her. She had been waiting for this return ever since she stepped back out into the cold last time around. She probably could have just come back on her own, but what would be the point if she’s not wearing a wire with her squad just outside? Plus, Liv would have a fit if she didn’t clear it with her first.

When she reached the bar and caught Sandy’s eye, a flicker of recognition passed her face and she offered her a beer, her previous order. This warmed Amanda’s heart even more. She thanked her and accepted, pulling out a barstool.

Before she could sit down, she heard a voice call her name and her heart skipped a beat. She turned to see the confident and friendly Chelsea waving her down from a table a few feet away. Two other women sat beside her, but she gestured to an empty chair, signaling Amanda to join them. Amanda grabbed her beer that Sandy had set down on the bar for her and made her way nervously to this group of beautiful women. Maybe she could produce more leads with these ladies.

“I was wondering if I’d ever see you here again,” Chelsea greeted cheerfully. “I mean, our conversation did take a bit of a dark turn toward the end last time.”

Amanda smiled.

“Well, I just couldn’t stay away.”

She sat down and glanced shyly at the other two women seated. One of them had dark skin and short curly hair. The other had blonde hair and was a little bit older than the others. She vaguely reminded Amanda of her mother, but not enough to make her bolt out the door.

“Ladies, this is Amanda,” Chelsea announced. “She’s new around here.”

Both women kindly welcomed her, smiling at her sweetly. Chelsea introduced the blonde woman as Patricia, or Patty if you know what’s good for you, and the curly haired woman as Lizette.

“A lot of young baby gays coming around here lately,” Patty said.

“Is nobody staying home and renting _But I’m a Cheerleader_ anymore?” Chelsea joked.

They all laughed at this.

“Yeah, isn’t _The L Word_ on Netflix now?” Lizette added.

Amanda couldn’t help but feel left out of this bit they were doing, but smiled nonetheless. She just wasn’t a part of their culture.

The four of them continued to talk and drink. Mainly the three of them, with Amanda chiming in on occasion. Part of her was waiting for the attacks to organically make their way into the conversation, but another part of her was just fascinated by these women. So fascinated that it wasn’t until her phone buzzed violently that she was jolted into reality.

It was Liv encouraging her to steer the conversation a little. Amanda thought she detected a hint of hostility in the text, but was proven wrong when Liv added, “They won’t bite.”

She smiled, locking her phone and promptly leaning forward to assert herself in the conversation more.

“That your girlfriend?” Chelsea teased, nodding toward Amanda’s phone.

Amanda smiled at her lap and shook her head.

“Boyfriend?” Lizette questioned playfully.

“No, I don’t have either of those,” Amanda responded.

Guilt subtly crept into her stomach as she thought of Sonny listening in just a few blocks away. They weren’t “together”, but they certainly weren’t apart either. Her chest constricted at this thought.

Picking up on the uncomfortableness this line of questioning brought, the women turned it around.

“Well, Patty here hasn’t had a girlfriend since Obama was president,” Chelsea presented amicably.

“Ouch!” Lizette laughed.

“Hey, now wait a minute,” Patty countered. “You make me sound like an old spinster. My hook up game is nothing to sneeze at.”

“Yes, you’re a regular Shane McCutcheon.” Lizette rolled her eyes, still laughing.

Again, Amanda felt a little lost among the sea of references and inside jokes. How is it that she felt so simultaneously connected and disconnected to this group? Like when you’re invested in a really good TV show and you feel like you’re a part of it, but a screen separates you from the story and the characters. Remembering Liv’s text, she tried to step through the screen again.

“Do either of you have girlfriends?” She looked back and forth between Chelsea and Lizette.

The lighthearted tone dimmed slightly and Amanda got a sinking feeling she struck a nerve with somebody. Chelsea cleared her throat and spoke first.

“No, I’m currently single.” Her gaze fell on Lizette, as did Patty’s. Lizette’s remained on her drink.

“Uh, I was- am,” she paused. “Seeing someone. Her name is Jess.”

It took a second for Amanda to figure out why that name rang a bell. Then it clicked. She was one of the vics. The names weren’t released to the public so, to not raise suspicion, she pressed on feigning cluelessness.

“Did something happen?”

“She was one of the girls attacked.” Chelsea spoke in a low voice.

Amanda shot a sympathetic look at Lizette. She quietly wondered why she was out here and not waiting by Jess’ hospital bed for her to wake up. Then she remembered the whole closet issue among the victims. She can’t even imagine what that must be like. To have someone you care about in that condition and not being able to be there for them or even show your face.

“I was supposed to walk home with her,” Lizette started shakily. “I left early that night. If I had just stayed, made sure she got home safe…”

“No, don’t.” Amanda reached across the table to touch Lizette’s hand while the other women rubbed her back soothingly. She couldn’t help it, the emotional nature of her SVU detective skills took over. “You can’t do that to yourself. It is not your fault.”

Lizette just shook her head.

“I should have stayed. Or called the police or something.”

“The police?” Amanda’s brows furrowed. “Honey, you didn’t know she was gonna be attacked.”

“But I saw him.” Lizette started to cry now. “Or I saw someone. Outside the bar when I left. I got a bad vibe. I should have trusted my gut, at least told security or someone inside.”

This was a game changer. Amanda sat up straight, trying to figure out how to delicately pull information from this sweet, distraught woman in front of her.

“Did you see what he looked like?”

Lizette shook her head.

“Hardly,” she thought for a second. “I mean, he was some white guy. He had on a black hoodie with like a beanie under the hood.”

“Was there anything else about him that you remember?” Now she knew she was pushing it. She could have sworn she felt Chelsea glance sideways at her for a split second, but maybe she’s just being paranoid.

“No, just his energy,” Lizette continued. “I knew something wasn’t right.”

 

After this new revelation, the four of them chatted for at least another hour. The conversation didn’t quite match the banter from the beginning of the evening, but they were able to steer the conversation away from anything that would upset Lizette even further. Amanda was the first to head out. She was anxious to get to her squad and find out what kind of theories they might have discussed upon hearing the conversation over the wire. She paid her tab and bid her new friends goodbye. Friends? Can you make friends undercover?

Tonight she rode back with Liv. She was silently thankful for this coincidental set up,not wanting to deal with the imminent “what are we” conversation with Sonny.

“Nice work, Rollins,” Liv said when Amanda entered the car.

“Thanks, Lieutenant,” Amanda smiled gratefully. Liv’s praise meant a lot to her.

Again, they conferred over speaker phone on the drive back. Fin said he would put the word out on Lizette’s description of the man and get some cars to patrol the area for the next few nights. They hadn’t seen anyone matching the details tonight, but they were sure he’d show up eventually. For now, they would all just go home and sleep on the new information Amanda had uncovered.

 

After a night of tossing and turning and pissing off a sleeping Frannie, Amanda arrived for work on time. It’s the small victories.

Upon entering the precinct, she was met with some of her least favorite words: “Rollins. My office. Now.” This usually put her in immediate defensive mode, but there was something different today. There was a softness to the words. She looked around for someone to share her confusion only to find that Fin and Carisi were also in Liv’s office. Amanda entered silently, not wanting to risk anything in case she actually did do something wrong. Liv took the questioning look on her face as her cue to begin.

“Shut the door behind you.”

Amanda complied, anxiety bubbling at the thought of what this conversation would entail.

“Amanda,” Liv began slowly. She was acutely aware of everyone’s eyes on her, knowing whatever it was, she was the last to know. “There’s been another attack.”

“What? When?” Amanda was flustered. They were _just_ there.

“Last night. He must have showed up right after we left. There wasn’t even a patrol car out yet.”

Amanda stood in a flurry of her own anger and shock. She was completely baffled. Terror also surged through her as she realized this wasn’t all Liv had to say.

“Amanda,” she started again, almost a whisper, as she stepped closer to her. “It was Chelsea.”


End file.
